Finding Freedom

When I was twenty-nine years old, I knew I wanted to do something crazy when I turned thirty. I was single and feeling alone. When I feel that way I crave adventure. When I am down in the dumps I want to get away. To a beach, to the mountains, anywhere that is not here. For some reason I looked at thirty as what the hell. I needed to do something so crazy so what did I decide to do? Jump from an airplane. I wanted to seek the thrill of something so dangerous. I got onto this plane strapped to a man nicknamed Ghost and my life was completely in his hands. And what I found from jumping from that super crappy airplane for about twenty seconds was complete freedom. Those twenty seconds of free fall was the thrill I was craving. That complete thrill of absolutely no control on anything. I put my trust in a complete stranger to know exactly what to do. I had no idea if that parachute would open or if I would free fall down to my death. I know now, that I will never do that again, but it is a moment I will never forget that freedom.

To give my life over to a complete stranger in a way was a lot easier than giving my life completely over to Jesus. But I know that is what I need to do every morning. I want to wake up and give my life over to Him and trust that He has my back just like I trusted Ghost. I think it was easier to trust Ghost because He was right there in person and I could actually feel him and hear him say you can trust me. With God, it's hard, because sometimes we don't hear him. Sometimes, he is so quiet we think he forgot about us. In reality, it was us forgetting who he is . He is always there! We are just so selfish we want to hear from him all the time. We are human and we want him all to ourselves. The crazy part is even though we are so demanding and selfish He does show up when we need him the most.

This week has been a roller coaster for me. Just when I think I'm doing great, my triggers show up feeling like I'm getting shot at. The realization of how I talk to myself and the feelings of being alone and how no one will really love me if they knew the real me. The one who struggles with shame, guilt and depression. The one who cries for hours on end thinking she is worthless. No one want to hear that and be around that. But I'm realizing I need people. I need to be a better friend and I need more people in my life who will actually do life with me. Who will show up at my door with a pizza and wine and just watch a comedy with me because we know we need to laugh. I want to be that friend who shows up knowing they just need someone to talk to. I'm reading this book called Find Your People by Jennie Allen, and I'm realizing if I want to find amazing friends, I need to be a better friend. I need to reach out more and I need to open up more about my struggles. I know I am not alone and I need to show up better.

I need to put God First in everything, including friendships. I need to trust God that will be in my fears of opening my soul to people and be more volunerable. I'm so good at putting up a facade so people don't know that I'm struggling. I'm so good at putting on a smile and saying life is just fine when in fact I will get in the car five minutes later and bawl my eyes out. Why do we do this ourselves? Why do we limit ourselves to thinking no one cares. No one want to hear our issues. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Real friends want to know. They want to be there for you and tell you that lies you are telling yourself are not true. The thing is they are struggling to and they want you to tell them the same things. They want to cry on your shoulders just as much as you want to cry on theirs.

I think sometimes we put to much high expectations on them and on God. This week I felt so selfish because I was going through such a bad time, but because I know others in my life are going through way worse I felt like God shouldn't be there for me because my issues are so much smaller than what they are going through. I had this thought in the car after dropping off Grayson at school, and I love that God really will show up when I need him the most because I was crying and trying to pray for others but at the same time I needed him and in the deepest part of my soul, I felt God say, "I got you both." He is such big God and we need to stop thinking of him as being small. He is so much bigger than we know. When I heard him say that I started crying even more for thinking he's a small god. He is so big and he's got us all wrapped in his arms. We need to stop being paralyzed by our fears and realize all of us are in different spots. We all have a different story to live. But we all the have the same God who is with us through it all. We need to pray for each other and lift each other up because there is a liar out there who wants to bring us down. I heard this on a podcast recently. Alone we die, connection we live. We all need people in our lives. We are not meant to do this alone. We need to suck up our pride and ask for help especially when we want to climb in our cars and cry by ourselves. Let's pray for each other and our friendships. God will bring us together!

Always smile,

Michelle